A note on European parking

After nearly two months of driving on the wrong side of the road less travelled, through France, Spain and Italy, we have come to some incredibly profound and universally powerful conclusions.

The key to road safety in Europe can be summed up in three deceptively simple words: hard, fast and dangerous. With lots of swerving. Lots.

Now it some of these tips may seem counterintuitive, but here are some of my top driving/parking/ vehicle points to keep in mind. Thank me later:

1. Paying for parking is for suckers – it’s expensive, your car will get dented and it’s harder to find than hen’s teeth and unicorns. There is never any excuse to pay for parking in Europe: just pull over into an alley, put on your hazards and head on out. Everyone’s doing it?

2. Nudging the vehicles in front and behind you to get that perfect parallel position is a special kind of art. Master it immediately.
3. I recommend Smart cars, which in Europe can be parked horizontally and vertically into any roadside space.

4. Driving lanes are mere suggestions and when rounding corners on blind rises, feel free to pop on over to the other side for a bit (this is especially popular along coastal corniches).

5. Speed limits are minimum recommendations; the only real limitation is your imagination and whatever horsepower you’re packing.

6. Hooting is obligatory and seems to be a cheery way of greeting fellow motorists.

7. Do not trust scruffy men wearing takkies at toll booths. They will rob you, and yes I speak from experience.

8. Violent hand gestures are a must and really do add to the calm and soothing environment around you.

9. Stopping for pedestrians is frowned upon, under any and all circumstances.

10. Vespas have right of way, always and no matter what.

11. And if you have more than one or two pieces of hand luggage, do not even think of hiring a Fiat 500. (If by some evil stroke of karma you do end up with a Fiat 500, quickly swop it out during a beer break at the rental car place and do not, I repeat, do not look back).

You're welcome!